TORC: I Hate Baseball!

America's Pastime

When I was nine, my father took me outside with a glove, a bat, and a ball and taught me how to throw, catch, and hit. He made me stand outside in the pouring rain and the freezing snow until he realized I would always fail to live up to his expectations. And when I recovered from double pneumonia and tuberculosis, he was right there by my side ready to remind me, for the rest of my life, how his dreams of having a son he could be proud of were as far reaching as a home run in Fenway Park. He taught me more than baseball, he taught me no matter how hard I tried and how much blood I coughed up, I would never live up to the expectations of a detached and emotionally distant father. This, dear reader, is the American version of the masculine right-of-passage. And now this tradition is under attack by my Google rival and namesake.

El Paso, the second largest American city without a baseball franchise, has finally decided to step up to the plate in an attempt to join the elite list of metropli including New York, Dallas, and Tampa Bay. They are attempting to raise, through bonds, enough money to attract investors to buy their way into the American fabric. Everyone knows that by spending hundreds of millions of dollars in a multi-use sports complex that the local economy will blossom bringing local residents the peanuts and Cracker Jacks they so justly deserve. Ask any Brazilian who is, as I write this, dancing and celebrating in the streets as their country prepares to welcome the World Cup. But there is one voice of insidious hatred for this prospect and here is what he has to say: 

“Sports stadiums have gotten to be very expensive and they’re not necessarily going to have a full payback to the community. They squeeze out tax dollars that are needed for more essential purposes.” - Richard Ciccarone, Bloomberg News, May 28th, 2013.

The Sultan of Swing?

More essential purposes, indeed. One might ask this Grinch who stole second what is more essential than taking your family to a baseball game to show their sons and daughters how far they've fallen short of their expected abilities? What is more essential than rooting for a group of highly paid strangers to win in a game that will have no direct affect on their lives? How else are we to train the younger generations to live vicariously through others' talents? I'll bet Al Qaeda thinks there are a lot of things more essential than witnessing an American tradition. Perhaps my online nemesis would be more comfortable with public beheadings or the stoning of adulterers.

And to say that these stadiums would not offer a full payback to the community is like saying that Euro Disney did not bring Europe from the dark ages (again) and into the beatific light of frenzied consumerism. Where else should we be spending this money? On public transportation? Education? Healthcare? If my unempathetic ether-opponent took the time to actually see how far those services have fallen into complete disarray, he'd realize that watching a public spectacle might be the only thing our society has left to enjoy. But perhaps the OTHER Richard Ciccarone is too busy driving around in a limousine and drinking from the elegant high-heeled shoe of one of his model/actress girlfriends to understand what we, the regular person, really need. And believe me, it's not another bus to take us to our low paying jobs or another school book for our children who will never compete with the Chinese. It's a baseball, a bat, and a glove. The holy trinity of Americana.

Stock Watch: Due to a change in jobs and a higher salary, TORC has surged back! Value: .97

T.O.R.C.: Bond Analyst or Bond Villian?

America: Don't Tread On Our
Municipal Bond Markets!

America. It is going through a pretty tough time right now. War, crushing deficits, and a congress that is as dysfunctional as a Sheen/Baldwin Thanksgiving Dinner. But there is one thing that will never be tough for America: Our core belief in the sanctity of the Municipal Bond Market. A fact that my online simulacrum seems to have forgotten.


The OTHER Richard Ciccarone is bringing his unpatriotic messages to the internet with his own webpage to spread his Al-Qaedean beliefs throughout the world. Our forefathers, or at least my forefather, built this nation on two things: A right to a fair trial and a strong Municipal Bond Market and they would be horrified to see that the latter is under attack. A nation that can withstand the relentless onslaught of crocs, Kardashians, and any other nightmare a seemingly hateful deity can hurl at us can also certainly defend itself from the likes of anti-American headlines such as: "Civil Engineers Likely to Grade U.S. Infrastructure 'D'".


Well, Mr. OTHER Richard Ciccarone, I am here to remind you that while you tear down our central moral structure with your hateful diatribes, I will continue to fight so that our Municipal Bond Market remains a shining beacon for the world. A guiding light for the trustworthy shepherds in Armenia or the industrious pirates in Somalia or the gentle walrusmen in Belarus, where I believe they live. I'm not entirely sure, but that sounds right. However, my enemy is strong and he is cunning.

Richard Ciccarone's Volcano
Lair?

Like all James Bond villians, he has a scope that far surpasses the average, freedom-loving American. Hidden, most likely, in a subterranean lair beneath a lava-filled volcano in the South Pacific, he schemes and plots to destroy us through the erosion of our trust in the Municipal Bond Market.


But I can't defeat this man alone. I need your help. I am asking that you donate $5 to help pay my rent and expose this cancer to the American people. Let me ask you something. If Hitler had a gun to your head and demanded $5 or else he would invade Czechoslovakia, of course you'd pay him. Well, imagine that's happening to you now. Only I am Czechoslovakia. No. You're Czechoslovakia and I'm Hitler.  Whoa. That's not right. Okay, what if BOTH Hitler and I came to you door asking for $5, but Hitler has a gun and I'm just asking you politlely. You can either give it to Hitler or give it to me to save you and Czechoslovakia from Hitler. To whom would you give that $5? It's THAT simple.


Just click the button below and start your effort to save the American Municipal Bond Market from what can only be described as an onslaught never before witnessed in our collective history. Don't think, just act! That's what The OTHER Richard Ciccarone wants you to do and you can bet he is acting right now! Sitting in his forbidden fortress filled with sensual delights raising an army of genetically engineered sharktopi that will kill us all! And the Municipal Bond Market!

Artist rendering of a "sharktopus"