T.O.R.C.: Bond Analyst or Bond Villian?

America: Don't Tread On Our
Municipal Bond Markets!

America. It is going through a pretty tough time right now. War, crushing deficits, and a congress that is as dysfunctional as a Sheen/Baldwin Thanksgiving Dinner. But there is one thing that will never be tough for America: Our core belief in the sanctity of the Municipal Bond Market. A fact that my online simulacrum seems to have forgotten.


The OTHER Richard Ciccarone is bringing his unpatriotic messages to the internet with his own webpage to spread his Al-Qaedean beliefs throughout the world. Our forefathers, or at least my forefather, built this nation on two things: A right to a fair trial and a strong Municipal Bond Market and they would be horrified to see that the latter is under attack. A nation that can withstand the relentless onslaught of crocs, Kardashians, and any other nightmare a seemingly hateful deity can hurl at us can also certainly defend itself from the likes of anti-American headlines such as: "Civil Engineers Likely to Grade U.S. Infrastructure 'D'".


Well, Mr. OTHER Richard Ciccarone, I am here to remind you that while you tear down our central moral structure with your hateful diatribes, I will continue to fight so that our Municipal Bond Market remains a shining beacon for the world. A guiding light for the trustworthy shepherds in Armenia or the industrious pirates in Somalia or the gentle walrusmen in Belarus, where I believe they live. I'm not entirely sure, but that sounds right. However, my enemy is strong and he is cunning.

Richard Ciccarone's Volcano
Lair?

Like all James Bond villians, he has a scope that far surpasses the average, freedom-loving American. Hidden, most likely, in a subterranean lair beneath a lava-filled volcano in the South Pacific, he schemes and plots to destroy us through the erosion of our trust in the Municipal Bond Market.


But I can't defeat this man alone. I need your help. I am asking that you donate $5 to help pay my rent and expose this cancer to the American people. Let me ask you something. If Hitler had a gun to your head and demanded $5 or else he would invade Czechoslovakia, of course you'd pay him. Well, imagine that's happening to you now. Only I am Czechoslovakia. No. You're Czechoslovakia and I'm Hitler.  Whoa. That's not right. Okay, what if BOTH Hitler and I came to you door asking for $5, but Hitler has a gun and I'm just asking you politlely. You can either give it to Hitler or give it to me to save you and Czechoslovakia from Hitler. To whom would you give that $5? It's THAT simple.


Just click the button below and start your effort to save the American Municipal Bond Market from what can only be described as an onslaught never before witnessed in our collective history. Don't think, just act! That's what The OTHER Richard Ciccarone wants you to do and you can bet he is acting right now! Sitting in his forbidden fortress filled with sensual delights raising an army of genetically engineered sharktopi that will kill us all! And the Municipal Bond Market!

Artist rendering of a "sharktopus"

     

Richard Ciccarone v. Richard Ciccarone

The OTHER Richard Ciccarone

If this is your first time reading The OTHER Richard Ciccarone, I am attempting to outpace my online doppelganger's Google rating. My plan is simple: As he is a respected member of the financial community, I will simply offer my own investment advice. I have absolutely no investment or financial background, however I do have a lifetime of "just getting by" and "going without" experience.


I have culled a variety of his quotes and will debate him on his positions. You can decide which of us should be the greater Google search presence.




(His advice is in red, mine is in blue.)

The OTHER Richard Ciccarone: [The funding gap] “is one of the biggest vulnerabilities in the muni market, and therefore to make headway in reducing this liability number will substantially help long-term."


Richard Ciccarone: "One can not seriously discuss long-term funding gaps until I receive a loan from someone. Without that loan there will be no growth in either the purchasing of new clothing, expanded cable packages, or groceries from the expensive, health food store."


The OTHER Richard Ciccarone: “There’s an attempt to try and puncture the long-term, ironclad support on bonded debt, as debt clashes with maintaining core services of government..."


Richard Ciccarone: "If I do not have enough unemployment insurance, I simply cannot quit my job, or more accurately, get fired from my job to collect EDD. They simply will not pay me unemployment unless I am fired."


The OTHER Richard Ciccarone: "Investors buying a 10-year muni bond rated AA would need more than 80 basis points more in yield to get the same taxable equivalent as a 10-year AA-rated corporate bond using a top tax rate of 28 percent."


Richard Ciccarone: "In 10-years I hope to buy a car. A jeep preferably. I think I'd look cool driving a jeep. Not a Hummer; I'm not an asshole. I just want something that says 'I'm fun', but that I also have a masculine side. A car that is comfortable while at the same time practical."


The OTHER Richard Ciccarone: "The state capital has been struggling under $300 million in debt tied to a failed incinerator – which was an unusual arrangement in itself."


Richard Ciccarone: "The heat in my apartment doesn't work and I have not asked to have it fixed because I feel it is the safest way to keep heating costs down. I just put on a sweater when it gets cold or throw on a blanket."


I believe the contrast between our positions will make it clear as to which Richard Ciccarone you should follow on Google for financial advice. 

STOCK TIP OF THE WEEK: In a down economy people need information to find jobs, drug treatment centers, and advice on how to rob liquor stores. That's why Google is probably going to do well. Unfortunately, it's like 4 million dollars a share, so if you can't afford that, I'm sure there's probably some cheap Yahoo! or Ask Jeeves shares you can get.

Statement of Purpose

Money!

As far back as 2007, when I learned that Google could be used to not only find people who have rejected me, but to do a little self-discovery, it was then that I found something very, very disturbing. There was another Richard Ciccarone out there. "What are the odds of someone else having that name?" Was my first question. My second question was, "What are the odds of someone else having that name and being more successful than I?" The answer, sadly, was about 1 in 2 as there has yet to be discovered a tripleganger which is a fairly depressing statistic.


And that's not the worst part. The worst part is that this man has a higher Google rating than I, and that, my friends, will not stand. It cannot stand. Why? Because this is all I have. The OTHER Richard Ciccarone obviously has met with career success and most likely has a loving family. I have none of those things, nor can I imagine any of them happening to me even out of pity. So I decided to formulate a plan.


I am involved in theater and writing and it would appear that this OTHER Richard Ciccarone would never stoop to such plebian activities, so I must take the game to him. Now, since this OTHER Richard Ciccarone is dispensing out, what appears to be financial advice about Muni Bonds at an alarming rate, I must beat this man at his own game. And considering the obvious lack of any demonstrative financial acumen currently available (see: Stock Market Disasters of 1987, 1991, 2000, & 2009), I believe possessing absolutely no training in finance and having a bank balance of $120 does not prohibit me from hurling my own advice on investing and money management like savage lightning bolts of common sense!


I, in my first official act as investment advisor, would like to now impart some of my wisdom which has been hard-learned over the years, to you, the reader and booster of my Google standing. These aren't fancy lessons learned in college or some leather bound text book. These are lessons from the street. Lessons consecrated from dealing with real people, not some ivory tower starched shirt trying to unload derivatives. I'm giving you advice from the Life Bank, and right now interest rates are low ... or high. I can never tell if high interest is a good thing or a bad thing, but that doesn't matter, because on the streets, the only interest you need is an interest in making money. So get interested! Here are 5 lessons you'll need to survive in this hell hole economy.

1. If you make $2880 a month, do NOT spend more than $2880 a month. I can't stress this enough.
2. Eating out too much will eventually lead to eating out of your co-workers left over tupperware in the company kitchen. I am not against this for many reasons, first and foremost is the overwhelming need to keep common, shared areas clean, but generally, if you are caught, the repercussions can be pariah-creating. Nothing is more embarrassing than seeing a brown paper bag with the words "Do Not Eat, Richard!" for all to see.
3. Pay Day Loans are like crack. It feels amazing to get flush with cash, but then the dealer will eventually want to get paid and he's charging 500% interest.
4. Don't spend your eBay income until you actually sell the items. You aren't Enron and no one is going to bail you out. Most of us can't spend against the inevitable sale of a fondue cooker or Swedish wooden clock, however, if you are interested in those items at very reasonable prices, please go to raciccarone on eBay. Those items are priced to move!
5. Finally, steal toilet paper and any other essentials you can from anywhere you go. You'd be surprised how relaxed janitor closets are in any office building you enter. And usually, in restaurants, there's always an extra roll somewhere.
6. STOCK TIP OF THE WEEK: See which stock is abnormally low and buy that stock. Although I'd stay away from Facebook. Can you imagine if MySpace sold stock? I'd look at something like ... I don't know ... GM or IBM or something like that. I don't think they're going anywhere soon.

If you have any questions or need financial advice, please feel free to email me!