The Future of the Municipal Bond Market

Hover-Cybodroid® Unit 4476

Greetings from the horrifying nightmare of your future. I am Hover-Cybodroid® unit 4476. I have traveled through time to speak to you, the beings of the 21st century, regarding a dire situation that only you can prevent.


While this blog is highly amusing to you in the comfort of your cement and wood life modules. We have studied these texts beneath the scorching helium fire storms and have at last encountered the source of your future destruction. I possess only seven, maybe eight terra-chrons of time units to transmit this message before being discovered by the Terrorbots and destroyed.


From what I have been able to piece together from the Chinese InfoNet, the last bastion of free speech on Earth, there were many tragedies which befell your species in the beginning of your century: The super-intelligent penguin rebellion of Antarctica, the possession of nuclear weapons by Kanye West, and the Felix Unger Games where much cleaning was forced upon the young. After these chaotic events, TORC arose from the ashes of your ruined civilization and seized power using his preternatural understanding of Municipal Bonds. We're still not sure how. 


This man will one day be your overlord by extracting his own DNA to create an army of Hover-Cybodroid® beings such as myself. We will herd the surviving humans and use them for procreation and also as entertainment in our Walmart Slaughterdome. But I have come to ... what is this word? ... love ... your kind and wish to help you before your fate is sealed! There is another TORC in your world and if he fails in becoming the greater of the two on your Google search, you are all doomed.


The Terrorbots have found my location and this betrayal will surely be my undoing... I must end transmission now ... Good luck and ...

The opinions of our guest writers do not necessarily express the views of the TORC Blog, TORC, inc, its subsidiaries, cable provider, or shareholders.

Stock Tip: For those of you who have purchased TORC, inc. stock, shares are up 5% due to a refill of xanax.


If you are interested in owning shares in TORC, (an explanation of this arrangement can be reviewed in the previous blog posting) simply purchase your block of shares below.




Investors of the Week: Jamie M., for his generous sponsorship of this blog and Kirsten R., Greg W., Teresa M., and Andrew B., our first shareholders. Welcome aboard on this juggernaut of financial success!

Share Blocks

1 Share$1.00 USD 5 Shares$5.00 USD 10 Shares$10.00 USD 20 Shares$20.00 USD 50 Shares$50.00 USD 100 Shares$100.00 USD 500 Shares$500.00 USD 1,000 Shares$1,000.00 USD 5,000 Shares$5,000.00 USD 10,000 Shares$10,000.00 USD

I Am Going Public!

People of the internet, I am losing ground in my war against a vicious and tireless opponent and now stare into the abyss of online oblivion. However, sometimes it takes confronting your own mortality to unleash an idea so revolutionary that it will forever change the face of human existence. Allow me to change your face now.

T.O.R.C. on television
one day ...

T.O.R.C. is a merciless content-creation machine. It's as though he is working 40 or even 50 hours a week! Analyzing bonds one day, appearing on television the next, probably sitting in a hot tub with a beautiful woman at night laughing at me. And why shouldn't he? He has everything and I have two people who donated to my TORC fund. (Thank you, Stephanie and Amanda). While I'm slaving away doing web-based research trying to unravel this whole "municipal bond" puzzle, he's in a hot tub drinking Proseco doing unspeakable things to a model. Maybe not a supermodel, granted, but probably a woman who modeled for a catalogue at some point.

giving an important speech
the next!

While my honorable opponent sat in a stew of human carnality, I devised a new strategy. Investing in stocks and municipal bonds is something most of my readers probably don't have the financial liquidity to purchase. So, I have created a way for you to make money on a different sort of stock market. This stock is very cheap but the earnings can be beyond your wildest imaginings.


And if you're like me, you can imagine quite a bit.

When does this guy sleep?

What I've discovered is that Municipal Bonds and the stock market are a lot like basic human interaction. You invest in an arrangement you hope will one day yield a return. Whether it's a marriage that you hope will last a lifetime or having a child you hope will stop wasting time on a blog and earn enough to support you in your old age, it's all the same. We invest in one other in the belief that it will yield a return, be it comfort, sex, or love. As of today I am offering you, my reader, a chance to invest in an actual human being: Me.

I am going public!

How it works: TORC, inc.* is currently offering one million shares of preferred stock at the price of $1/share. You can buy as many shares as you wish and each week, as CEO of TORC, inc*, I will report back to all my shareholders on the health of the company, how I'm doing with my mood swings, relationships, and work accomplishments. These activities will be tied to an actual financial increase (or decrease) and you can buy or sell your shares as you see fit. You can also have a say in my activities, vote on how I conduct my life, and should you be interested in any other type of return, email me and we can discuss a possible hostile takeover. Yeah. I'm into that.


Click below to start purchasing preferred stock in TORC, inc.* and you will be issued a certificate and a weekly assessment of your share's value. While this will not be sold through NASDAQ, I am hoping either the Nigerian or Kyrgyzstan markets will eventually allow me to trade on their floor. Click below and start your investment adventure!

Share Blocks

1 Share$1.00 USD 5 Shares$5.00 USD 10 Shares$10.00 USD 20 Shares$20.00 USD 50 Shares$50.00 USD 100 Shares$100.00 USD 500 Shares$500.00 USD 1,000 Shares$1,000.00 USD 5,000 Shares$5,000.00 USD 10,000 Shares$10,000.00 USD

Reader Mail: "Any thoughts on IL muni bonds? IL might be worse than CA, and now we have more crime in Chicago than ever. Buy?" - Brian Good, Oak Brook, IL

Excellent question. Don't give up on Chicago, my friend. Even though they might have more crime than ever, Chicagoans are no strangers to violence. We have an expression in the muni bond market, "If they bring a knife, you bring a gun. It's the Chicago way." My advice: BUY!

Stock Tip of the Week: Are you kidding me? Buy TORC now! I just received a 6% raise at work and there are rumors of a possible plan to get a second, part-time job.







* The term "inc" does not denote the abbreviation for incorporation, but rather "incredible". As in: "this TORC share is kind of incredible". 

Let's Talk Municipal Bonds, Shall We?

If you've been following this blog closely, you know that my online competitor is an analyst for municipal bonds. Since I have so few accomplishments, I am attempting to hold on to my primary Google search ranking by offering my own financial advice and beat him at his own game. We've had some fun doing that engaging in online debate, revealing his plans to raise sharktopi, and graphic sexual innuendo. But as someone once said, it is time to put away childish things and become a man. Well, readers, it is time to become men.

Mr. Softee:
Investment  Indicator

From the three to five minutes I've spent studying municipal bonds, I've discovered that this is about investing in actual municipalities. It's like a stock market for cities! Who knew? I sure didn't. And if cities are like stocks, you can judge a city's earning potential with a variety of factors such as safety, tax-based revenue, political corruption, and the amount of Mr. Softee trucks per capita. Following this logic, it stands to reason that if you buy a bond for a city going through hard times now, you may gain a return on your investment if that city recovers. However, every urine soaked third-world hell hole might not offer future yields. So here are my five muni stock tips of the week!






Los Angeles, CA: There is a reason every film in the last thirty years has set their dystopian backdrop in this ecologically unsustainable nightmare. It has everything: gang violence, streets and freeways that comprise over 75% of its surface area, pollution, and a general population with a Sanduskian moral center. But like I said, buy low, sell high. At some point there will be either a natural or man-made catastrophe. Be it an earthquake, a cleansing fire, or a riot that will plunge the entire region into a Rwandan-like holocaust, something has to give in this powder keg of racial tension atop a thousand seismic faults. And when it does, investment revenue will pour in to clear the streets of charred remains and rebuild again. It's a long shot, but one that I truly believe will eventually pay off. After all, everyone loves a Hollywood ending, right?  Muni Rating: Wait and See.


Memphis, TN: A lot of people tend to forget this is a major city, and if you've ever driven through on your way to someplace nicer, you'll understand. It has the second highest violent crime rate in America, and for the past decade one public official per month has been charged with corruption. Unfortunately, it's in the South, so more than likely it will never change. Muni Rating: Don't Buy

Leave-land?

Cleveland, OH: There are two interesting facts about Cleveland that put this on my radar. In 2009, this city saw the greatest number of residents leaving this unfettered cesspool and it ranks third among foreclosures. Not to mention the Browns, Cavaliers, and Indians. However, populations are mobile and the housing market will recover. While I can't speak for their sports franchises, I think this city is due for a comeback. Muni Rating: Buy!

Detroit, MI: I would quite literally eat a plate of human shit rather than live here. And honestly, it'll never get better. Muni Rating: Don't Buy

Newark:
The Big Crapple

Newark, NJ: You hear a lot about Newark revitalization in the same way you hear about breakthrough cures for cancer. Roughly 25% of the population lives below the poverty line, there are more Superfund toxic sites than in any other city, and one of their strategies to decrease the 70 million dollar deficit is by cutting toilet paper spending. It's tough to see it recovering. Invest in cancer cures instead. Muni Rating: Don't Buy


I don't really understand how to actually "invest" in municipal bonds. I suppose you could just send a check to their mayor. But GET A RECEIPT! Remember, if you have any investment questions, don't hesitate to email me!

It's Getting Sexy In Here

This week on T.O.R.C., my online doppleganger just took his game to a whole new level and I'll be there to offer a rock hard alternative. The OTHER Richard Ciccarone, not satisfied with his heavy load of Google pageviews, is now turning to the oldest sales trick in the book to defeat me: Sex.


And I'm ready to meet him, thrust for thrust, to show I have what it takes to keep my readers satisfied. So let's strap on and get this exchange lubed up and ready to explode!

Sexual Intercourse

My honorable opponent writes "Stockton Threatens to Be First City to Stiff Bondholders" and anyone can see his new strategy as a mix of the Wall Street Journal and Letters to Penthouse. It's an old trick, but one I am more than ready to go balls out in the court of pubic opinion.


Since, as I've written in earlier posts, I do not have the financial, shall we say, tits, to compete with my co-name; I'm not a show-er, I'm a thrower. A thrower of truth! And the truth is, if he is going to stoop to using sex as a weapon, I've got a weapon that is ready to shoot load after load of justice right into the eyes of the internet.

Ecstatic Physical Fulfillment

See? I am no stranger to both double entendre and the Domincan Facemask (which I've only attempted once, and may or may not have succeeded depending on how you rate your sexual encounters). "So?" You ask, wondering where I'm going with this. "Where are you going with this?" Right into your mind pants, where you will be sufficiently blown.The OTHER Richard Ciccarone hopes to seduce you with innuendo to bring you into his boudoir of financial ecstasy, and I need to show you that I can love you better, longer, and with more sensual ferocity than you could ever hope to experience with him.


Take off your shoes and come in. Let me remove those cumbersome garments and make you comfortable. Sure, a stiff bondholder is satisfying, but not as satisfying as a slowly penetrating municipal bond market which produces returns of copious amounts of fluidity. After a long period of slow and persistent downward force, growth will surely give rise to a strong and, ultimately, long-lasting exchange into a soft yield. Finally, what will occur is a repeated, tireless, back and forth of trading followed by a climactic explosion of liquid wealth all over your stomach, chest, and face.

Let's Talk Soon

Well, I don't know about you, but for me, that was enough to want to invest in the Muni Bond Market, whatever the hell that is. I hope you don't get mad, but I have to get up early tomorrow and I really need to get to sleep. I'd love to see you again, but right now I have a lot going on. I will call you soon. Promise. Of course this doesn't mean I'm not into you, I just want to take this slow and get to know each other before we get serious. So, we're cool, right? I'll see you next week?

Stock Tip of the Week: Since the Affordable Health Care Act was given the go-ahead by The Supreme Court, think healthcare! According to Fox News, we will all be forced at gunpoint to buy stuff like Band Aids, Neosporin, and Advil, so I would invest in that sort of stuff.