Let's Talk Municipal Bonds, Shall We?

If you've been following this blog closely, you know that my online competitor is an analyst for municipal bonds. Since I have so few accomplishments, I am attempting to hold on to my primary Google search ranking by offering my own financial advice and beat him at his own game. We've had some fun doing that engaging in online debate, revealing his plans to raise sharktopi, and graphic sexual innuendo. But as someone once said, it is time to put away childish things and become a man. Well, readers, it is time to become men.

Mr. Softee:
Investment  Indicator

From the three to five minutes I've spent studying municipal bonds, I've discovered that this is about investing in actual municipalities. It's like a stock market for cities! Who knew? I sure didn't. And if cities are like stocks, you can judge a city's earning potential with a variety of factors such as safety, tax-based revenue, political corruption, and the amount of Mr. Softee trucks per capita. Following this logic, it stands to reason that if you buy a bond for a city going through hard times now, you may gain a return on your investment if that city recovers. However, every urine soaked third-world hell hole might not offer future yields. So here are my five muni stock tips of the week!






Los Angeles, CA: There is a reason every film in the last thirty years has set their dystopian backdrop in this ecologically unsustainable nightmare. It has everything: gang violence, streets and freeways that comprise over 75% of its surface area, pollution, and a general population with a Sanduskian moral center. But like I said, buy low, sell high. At some point there will be either a natural or man-made catastrophe. Be it an earthquake, a cleansing fire, or a riot that will plunge the entire region into a Rwandan-like holocaust, something has to give in this powder keg of racial tension atop a thousand seismic faults. And when it does, investment revenue will pour in to clear the streets of charred remains and rebuild again. It's a long shot, but one that I truly believe will eventually pay off. After all, everyone loves a Hollywood ending, right?  Muni Rating: Wait and See.


Memphis, TN: A lot of people tend to forget this is a major city, and if you've ever driven through on your way to someplace nicer, you'll understand. It has the second highest violent crime rate in America, and for the past decade one public official per month has been charged with corruption. Unfortunately, it's in the South, so more than likely it will never change. Muni Rating: Don't Buy

Leave-land?

Cleveland, OH: There are two interesting facts about Cleveland that put this on my radar. In 2009, this city saw the greatest number of residents leaving this unfettered cesspool and it ranks third among foreclosures. Not to mention the Browns, Cavaliers, and Indians. However, populations are mobile and the housing market will recover. While I can't speak for their sports franchises, I think this city is due for a comeback. Muni Rating: Buy!

Detroit, MI: I would quite literally eat a plate of human shit rather than live here. And honestly, it'll never get better. Muni Rating: Don't Buy

Newark:
The Big Crapple

Newark, NJ: You hear a lot about Newark revitalization in the same way you hear about breakthrough cures for cancer. Roughly 25% of the population lives below the poverty line, there are more Superfund toxic sites than in any other city, and one of their strategies to decrease the 70 million dollar deficit is by cutting toilet paper spending. It's tough to see it recovering. Invest in cancer cures instead. Muni Rating: Don't Buy


I don't really understand how to actually "invest" in municipal bonds. I suppose you could just send a check to their mayor. But GET A RECEIPT! Remember, if you have any investment questions, don't hesitate to email me!