People of the internet, I am losing ground in my war against a vicious and tireless opponent and now stare into the abyss of online oblivion. However, sometimes it takes confronting your own mortality to unleash an idea so revolutionary that it will forever change the face of human existence. Allow me to change your face now.
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T.O.R.C. on television
one day ... |
T.O.R.C. is a merciless content-creation machine. It's as though he is working 40 or even 50 hours a week! Analyzing bonds one day, appearing on television the next, probably sitting in a hot tub with a beautiful woman at night laughing at me. And why shouldn't he? He has everything and I have two people who donated to my TORC fund. (Thank you, Stephanie and Amanda). While I'm slaving away doing web-based research trying to unravel this whole "municipal bond" puzzle, he's in a hot tub drinking Proseco doing unspeakable things to a model. Maybe not a supermodel, granted, but probably a woman who modeled for a catalogue at some point.
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giving an important speech
the next! |
While my honorable opponent sat in a stew of human carnality, I devised a new strategy. Investing in stocks and municipal bonds is something most of my readers probably don't have the financial liquidity to purchase. So, I have created a way for you to make money on a different sort of stock market. This stock is very cheap but the earnings can be beyond your wildest imaginings.
And if you're like me, you can imagine quite a bit.
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| When does this guy sleep? |
What I've discovered is that Municipal Bonds and the stock market are a lot like basic human interaction. You invest in an arrangement you hope will one day yield a return. Whether it's a marriage that you hope will last a lifetime or having a child you hope will stop wasting time on a blog and earn enough to support you in your old age, it's all the same. We invest in one other in the belief that it will yield a return, be it comfort, sex, or love. As of today I am offering you, my reader, a chance to invest in an actual human being: Me.
I am going public!
How it works: TORC, inc.* is currently offering one million shares of preferred stock at the price of $1/share. You can buy as many shares as you wish and each week, as CEO of TORC, inc*, I will report back to all my shareholders on the health of the company, how I'm doing with my mood swings, relationships, and work accomplishments. These activities will be tied to an actual financial increase (or decrease) and you can buy or sell your shares as you see fit. You can also have a say in my activities, vote on how I conduct my life, and should you be interested in any other type of return, email me and we can discuss a possible hostile takeover. Yeah. I'm into that.
Click below to start purchasing preferred stock in TORC, inc.* and you will be issued a certificate and a weekly assessment of your share's value. While this will not be sold through NASDAQ, I am hoping either the Nigerian or Kyrgyzstan markets will eventually allow me to trade on their floor. Click below and start your investment adventure!
Reader Mail: "Any thoughts on IL muni bonds? IL might be worse than CA, and now we have more crime in Chicago than ever. Buy?" - Brian Good, Oak Brook, IL
Excellent question. Don't give up on Chicago, my friend. Even though they might have more crime than ever, Chicagoans are no strangers to violence. We have an expression in the muni bond market, "If they bring a knife, you bring a gun. It's the Chicago way." My advice: BUY!
Stock Tip of the Week: Are you kidding me? Buy TORC now! I just received a 6% raise at work and there are rumors of a possible plan to get a second, part-time job.
* The term "inc" does not denote the abbreviation for incorporation, but rather "incredible". As in: "this TORC share is kind of incredible".
Sounds Legit. I am in.
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