An Open Letter To Detroit

Dear Detroit,

In 2004 I declared personal bankruptcy. There. I said it. It's out there. But if you've been reading TORC from the beginning, can you really say you're surprised? I wasn't. And, to be honest, I don't really think the six credit card companies that issued me lines of unsecured credit were either. Detroit, I want to tell you what to expect and how to cope with the humiliation and despair that comes with bankruptcy so that you don't end up like Donald Trump: A frightening, self-deluded weirdo who sends tweets out like Osama Bin Laden taunting the American public with hateful diatribes.

Byzantine Coin

When I declared bankruptcy, my only assets were a 12 year-old car and an 11th century Byzantine Empire coin. My creditors, surprisingly, didn't want either of these. My bankruptcy attorney, a very patient and understanding man looked at me throughout my interview as though thinking "There but for the grace of God go I." A look I'm too familiar with. What he told me I remember to this day because it comforted me in the hard times that would follow. He said "People fail. There is no shame in that. But when you fail, it's important to do the right thing and get back on track. Now you could have just taken your 12 year-old car and your Constantine the Second late Byzantine Empire coin and went underground, but you did the right thing and there's virtue in that decision." So, Detroit, I did the right thing and now it's time for you to do the right thing.

There are three things I learned from my experience and I'd like to now impart them to you, my dear friend, Detroit.

New Detroit!

1. A New Beginning: When I had my job as a stage manager for a California touring production of Noises Off I was raking it in at $1,200/week and then, suddenly they closed the show. I had to get rid of everything I owned. CDs, furniture, food, whatever I could sell got sold. Eventually, I got a new job, changed my name for a little while to Chase Talbot, wore a fake mole on my cheek, and carried a
walking stick like a real dandy. Some said I had a nervous breakdown, while I prefer to think of this as "reality reinvention". Detroit, don't look at this as an ending, think of it as a new beginning! Now you don't have to be the cancerous tumor of the blighted American landscape! You can become anything you want to be, a pre-Columbian Mayan City, Florence in the 15th Century, 18th Century London. Anything without electricity or plumbing will work.

2. Remember Who You Are: Detroit, you've got a lot going for you. When you started out as a trading post, you had lush forests and many beaver furs to sell. It's never too late to get back to your roots. Raze everything to the ground, grow your forests again and invite the Quebecois in to once again travel in their canoes to barter fur.

3. Let Go: This is the most painful thing about bankruptcy. You need to let go of ever becoming what you hoped you'd be. You will never be New York, Chicago, or Los Angeles. You won't even be Houston or Kansas City. Embrace this quickly and your pain will be reduced tenfold. Detroit, I am your friend, and I am telling you to give up the Tigers, the Lions, and the Red Wings. Give up GM and Motown. Give up public transportation and a functioning, viable budget. Those days are behind you. But who knows? Perhaps something else will come your way.

I know this might sound like tough talk, but Detroit, these are tough times. In an earlier TORC blog, I said "I'd rather eat a plate of human shit than live here" and I was right. I will also say that my online enemy did not warn his investors and to them all I can say is that perhaps it's time you started reading someone with the guts to call it as it is. But I digress. Let me just say that as someone who has suffered with financial hardship as you are now, it will get better and that hope is an asset you can't afford to sell off.

Stock Watch: There's been a large infusion of capital due to a higher salary. Value: $1.12

TORC: I Hate Baseball!

America's Pastime

When I was nine, my father took me outside with a glove, a bat, and a ball and taught me how to throw, catch, and hit. He made me stand outside in the pouring rain and the freezing snow until he realized I would always fail to live up to his expectations. And when I recovered from double pneumonia and tuberculosis, he was right there by my side ready to remind me, for the rest of my life, how his dreams of having a son he could be proud of were as far reaching as a home run in Fenway Park. He taught me more than baseball, he taught me no matter how hard I tried and how much blood I coughed up, I would never live up to the expectations of a detached and emotionally distant father. This, dear reader, is the American version of the masculine right-of-passage. And now this tradition is under attack by my Google rival and namesake.

El Paso, the second largest American city without a baseball franchise, has finally decided to step up to the plate in an attempt to join the elite list of metropli including New York, Dallas, and Tampa Bay. They are attempting to raise, through bonds, enough money to attract investors to buy their way into the American fabric. Everyone knows that by spending hundreds of millions of dollars in a multi-use sports complex that the local economy will blossom bringing local residents the peanuts and Cracker Jacks they so justly deserve. Ask any Brazilian who is, as I write this, dancing and celebrating in the streets as their country prepares to welcome the World Cup. But there is one voice of insidious hatred for this prospect and here is what he has to say: 

“Sports stadiums have gotten to be very expensive and they’re not necessarily going to have a full payback to the community. They squeeze out tax dollars that are needed for more essential purposes.” - Richard Ciccarone, Bloomberg News, May 28th, 2013.

The Sultan of Swing?

More essential purposes, indeed. One might ask this Grinch who stole second what is more essential than taking your family to a baseball game to show their sons and daughters how far they've fallen short of their expected abilities? What is more essential than rooting for a group of highly paid strangers to win in a game that will have no direct affect on their lives? How else are we to train the younger generations to live vicariously through others' talents? I'll bet Al Qaeda thinks there are a lot of things more essential than witnessing an American tradition. Perhaps my online nemesis would be more comfortable with public beheadings or the stoning of adulterers.

And to say that these stadiums would not offer a full payback to the community is like saying that Euro Disney did not bring Europe from the dark ages (again) and into the beatific light of frenzied consumerism. Where else should we be spending this money? On public transportation? Education? Healthcare? If my unempathetic ether-opponent took the time to actually see how far those services have fallen into complete disarray, he'd realize that watching a public spectacle might be the only thing our society has left to enjoy. But perhaps the OTHER Richard Ciccarone is too busy driving around in a limousine and drinking from the elegant high-heeled shoe of one of his model/actress girlfriends to understand what we, the regular person, really need. And believe me, it's not another bus to take us to our low paying jobs or another school book for our children who will never compete with the Chinese. It's a baseball, a bat, and a glove. The holy trinity of Americana.

Stock Watch: Due to a change in jobs and a higher salary, TORC has surged back! Value: .97

TORC: No Longer We Live Like Pigs!

Welcome back everyone! It's been a long time since I've last written. Financial advice doesn't just happen, it needs to be researched and studied, data must be collected and analyzed. There is work to be done and reputations to soil. I know the other Richard Ciccarone thought I was out of the financial game, but now he must tangle with a leaner, more savvy Google adversary. For you see, I have subscribed to the Wall Street Journal and I've read two or three of the articles. That's right, this is TORC 2.0, and this time it's personal.

Bedford Falling

Today on TORC, I will dissect and analyze the film "It's a Wonderful Life". You may ask "Hey, I thought this is a financial blog?" And you'd be right to ask, my worried reader. But beneath that iconic film of American values lies a lesson in municipal bonds that can not be overlooked. If you haven't seen the film ... actually, if you haven't seen the film I'm not going to explain it here because either you live in a cave or you're too successful to watch television, in either case, you won't care. But in the film there is the town of Bedford Falls, an idyllic community complete with a pharmacy, a bank, a savings and loan, and a pond with no adult supervision in which children fall through the ice to a frozen grave. In this town we meet the inhabitants who drive cabs, act as local police, run taverns, and occasionally poison people at the pharmacy. This is the world of George Bailey, whom after he asks an angel to see the world without his existence, is then thrown mercilessly into a dystopian vision of an alternate universe. A universe in which his greedy nemesis, Henry Potter, slumlord and majority stakeholder in the local bank, finally gets his clutches on the town and renames it Pottersville.

Pottersville or Hottersville?

And here is where TORC takes a closer examination from the perspective of municipal bonds. In Bedford Falls, there is little financial opportunity. George Bailey must continually defer his dreams of going to college due to lack of finances. His father runs a flailing savings and loan and can not afford to send both George and his brother to school. There is a quaint tavern that does fair business, a taxi service which apparently only has one cab in its fleet, and a local floozy who is giving it away for free. Now, cut to the world without George Bailey: Pottersville. It is a thriving, financially booming town with an active nightlife, a moving economy, and a bustling population. The quaint tavern is a busy and profitable club, and the streets are filled with people enjoying themselves, and jazz music fills the air. The town floozy, when she's not being arrested, has secured employment as an erotic dancer and probably makes more money than she ever imagined in a world filled with George Bailey. Sure, crime has increased and it's louder, but aren't these indicators of a thriving community? The once sleepy, economically dormant hamlet is now a place you'd actually want to visit.

The sleepy town quality has been replaced, but isn't that the story of America? The small town boy or girl goes to the big city to amass their fortune and sell their talents on the open market. Isn't this what we all strive for? Even George Bailey himself complains incessantly about getting out of Bedford Falls and seeing the world. It literally takes an act of God in which he's thrown into a world without money, identity, or friends; a world where his own mother treats him like a creepy stalker and he's hounded relentlessly by the police, for him to beg to return to his own world. Who wouldn't? It's a nightmare acid trip as a result of God's wrath. But I guarantee you, if George Bailey had the stones to stick around, I bet Pottersville would be a place he'd probably never want to leave and a town where he could probably make a decent living.

As a municipal bonds analyst, this is a very telling metaphor for how to find solid investments for this market. Would you really invest in Bedford Falls with its poor infrastructure and shoddy public service? (Apparently there is no money to plow the streets after a snow storm and the police are busy serenading honeymooning couples.) For my money, you can keep Zu-Zu's petals, I'll take Nick's Bar anytime.



Stock Watch: TORC has taken a severe tumble in the market due to some poor financial decisions which I'd rather not get into. Share Price: .23

Immigration & the Municipal Bond Market

While the nation performs our twenty-year cycle hand wringing penance about immigration and pretends that it's the first time in its history its faced this problem maybe the rest of us can have a civil conversation. For those of you who can discuss this topic like adults without stooping to phrases such as "border fences", "identity cards" or "filthy Papists", come in and enjoy the fresh smell of reason baking on the warm oven of facts served on a plate of truth.

Cities with higher populations of immigrants do better in the municipal bond market than cities that do not. Three of the top municipal bond funds feature California and New York, states with cities that have 5 of the top six highest immigration populations. We at TORC believe there is a correllary (not necessarily causal) effect, but one which is worth examining even as an indicator. And here are the reasons we believe this is so.

1 - Cheap labor: It's the dirty secret of American history that we may not have come so far so fast if not for the whole slavery thing. Could you imagine if this country had unions in the nineteenth century? I'm pro-union, but let's face it, if you're building a nation the first thing you want to do is increase your exports cheaply and fill your coiffures. One of the first things Hitler did to increase productivity was break the unions. Immigrants who come here will work for less and suffer longer hours which creates more wealth for companies. Yes, it's disgusting, but when you're playing the muni bond market, the games the game.

A petri dish of
superhumans!

2 - Diverse populations: Darwin has explained to us that the strongest species are the ones that adapt and cross-breed. It weeds out the weaker genetic flaws by mixing the strongest of two different types of strains. When you introduce a new type of DNA into any pool, what you get is a blend of the best. And this isn't limited to just the atavistic principles of breeding, but also food, music, architecture, and ideas. Take for instance when the filthy Irish came to this country, they brought to our shores the gift of literary appreciation and wholesale grifting. The Italians brought with them opera, exquisite food, and the drive-by shooting. When a city opens its doors to immigrant populations, it's also opening its door to ideas and ways of doing things that will only create a stronger, more vibrant eco-health.

3 - If you can't breed them, buy them: The entire American economy is based upon one simple fact: if people stop buying, we die. Remember 9/11? The message wasn't "Loose Lips Sink Ships" or "Buy Bonds", it was "For the love of God, buy something! Anything!" America needs to repopulate its consumers and currently the industrialized nations of the world are not keeping up with replenishing. We're lucky because we can just turn on the immigration faucet and repopulate whenever we want to! This in turn creates a functioning economy and those cities that have immigrant populations, see the benefits of that first.

So go out and hug an immigrant! Make a baby with one and enjoy their economic and carnal fruits!

Stock Watch: TORC stocks took another dip due to a slight depression and overwhelming work load. Share Price: .97

The Year In Review

What an incredible year! The re-election of President Obama, Hurricane Sandy cleaned up the Jersey Shore, Beyonce dropped her first baby, a lot of people got shot, and let's not forget the cultural significance of Gangnam Style! But we all came through it together, at least those of us who came through it. Now that we've gone over the top stories of 2012, let's talk about the top stories of 2013 and the trends that you should look for as either investment opportunities or as a terrifying warning. I think you might be surprised at what our analysts have to say.

Commercial Real Estate Bubble: Most analysts have focused a great deal on the housing bubble, but what a lot of people have overlooked is the commercial real estate bubble which has been growing. These highly leveraged properties can't sustain their debts and the government is already tapped out so federal relief may not be available. With the economy still floundering, commercial properties dependent on retail may default causing a minor crisis. While it won't have the same impact as the mortgage crisis, it will cause a ripple effect throughout the market.

North Korean Boy Bands: With the success of One Direction, North Korea's newest leader Kim Jung-Un is likely to increase his GDP by exporting a slew of young, punctual, and well disciplined young boy bands. Rumor has it that North Korea is developing a bevy of up-tempo, assexual singers-slash-dancers to woo the hearts and minds of the West including (roughly translated): The Mao-Mao Boyzz, The Dancing Singing Joyous Car Drivers, and Cultural Revolution Sexual Time Fun Gang. If their industriousness in developing nuclear weapons is any preview for these acts, watch out!

New York City converted to a federal prison: Hurricane Sandy is only the beginning and it is only a matter of time before Manhattan is in danger of being completely submerged. It is our prediction that the city will then be walled off and used as a maximum level penitentiary for the most dangerous criminals including Slag, the notorious Brain, and of course, The Duke of New York, who is now The Duke of Leavenworth, but will most likely change his name once he establishes himself in this new prison.

Four score and seven dollars 
an hour ...

Lincoln Backlash: With the release of the film Lincoln and the slew of Academy Awards® it is sure to garnish, you may see a public outcry to repeal the 13th Amendment. Only this time slavery will not be the matter of race, but of economy. Those making less than $15,000 a year will most likely be forced into servitude and made to work in fast food restaurants, car washes, and Walmart.

Adele and John Meyer: TORC doesn't have to be all hard-hitting financial information. We like the stuff the kids are into as well! We predict singer Adele and swarthy bandolier, John Meyer will eventually have a whirlwind romance and marriage this year, only to dissolve into a disastrous divorce. Bad news for Adele, but great news for her fans, who are sure to benefit from a heart-wrenching new album!




TORC Stock Watch: TORC has had a tough last quarter, but hopes to regain strength in the new year. Share price: $1.01

Is the Pyramid Market right for you?

e coli favors the brave

The Pyramid Market has gotten a lot of bad press over the past decade, but that doesn't mean you need to fear them completely. Remember when those people died from eating food from Jack In The Box? That didn't stop a lot of us from indulging in their e coli tainted beef. In fact, they lowered their prices while scrambling to find a way to stop killing people, so those of us brave enough to play bacteria roulette were able to enjoy even MORE of their infected burgers at discounted pricing. Fortune favors the brave. This is also true for investment opportunities of all shapes and sizes, including a well-diversified pyramid portfolio.

My first investment in a pyramid option came when I was in college. I had done some research on this new and exciting fund from my roommate and he assured me that he had seen his money triple over a ten day period. Of course I was skeptical at first, but after fifteen minutes of reviewing my own bank account consisting of -22.50 (back then you could deposit an empty envelope into an ATM and withdraw cash) I decided, this was right for me. Taking the money I had for my tuition, I made an investment and then lost everything because "Sean", my investment manager, had been robbed and the fund was depleted. This is to be expected in the high-risk pyramid market, but there are signs to guide you to a successful investment. I will now share them with you.

1. The Pyramid Market isn't for everyone: Ask yourself if you have money to lose. Like all high-risk, high-yield markets, losing all your money is a possibility and the Pyramid Market is like a beautiful woman; great if you can keep her, but she can bolt at any time.

2. Get to know your pyramid market investment manager: I have made several investments in the pyramid market and it always comes down to trust. Bear in mind, however, that this market is still illegal and therefore anyone involved shouldn't actually be trusted, however, you can still set a bar for yourself. Here are some things to look to avoid in a pyramid investment manager.

• Is your manager's workspace a street corner or bar?
• Does your manager have open, visible sores?
• Is your manager armed?
• Does your manager not have a last name?

Location, location, location!

3. Tiers, tiers, tiers! the Pyramid Market is built on tiers. The lower the tier you're on, the more likely it will collapse on your head. You need to get in early and get out quick. Your percentages decrease exponentially by a factor of 10 for each tier below the top you are located. When someone tells you you'll get your money once 20 people join, you might want to consider another pyramid fund.

4. Violence. When you do become the head of the pyramid and those below you have to kick their money upstairs, sometimes there will be reluctance by your investors. Now, because this is technically an illegal activity, using legal channels may not be available to you should you need to collect on your investment. It's always a good idea to float the idea that you are not afraid to use violence from the beginning of your relationship. Visit them at strange hours at their home or work. Keep asking about their friends and loved ones with interest. Show them photographs you took of them while they were unaware. Remember, there are no contracts with your fellow investor except the one you forge from the parchment of hope and written using the ink of fear.

If you follow these simple rules, you'll be earning up to 500% on your initial investment! Now, does anyone know of someone who can get me a realistic looking college degree? Seems they don't give them out unless you're caught up on your tuition.

TORC Stock Watch: Shares are up this week due to some freelance work and a less than legal deal that paid off. Share price: $1.05

Finance Tips: Saving on your Vacation

TORC has been on vacation for two weeks and it hasn't been all margaritas by the pool and shrimp cocktails. I've been actively collecting data on some very important information for you, the reader, during this summer vacation season. Information that can save your money ... and possibly your life.

Maybe not your life, but definitely some money.

1. Emotional Blackmail: If you don't have money to travel, find people who would love to have you on their vacation and then use emotional blackmail to get your ticket. Don't be crass about it, just paint a picture of the amazing memories you've had in the past and how incredible it would be to create new ones ... if only you could afford the ticket. There are two outcomes to this scenario. The first is that they buy you a ticket and you're going on vacation! The second is that you probably aren't as close as you thought. Either you get a tan or a jolting shock of reality that will help you grow as a person. Win-win!

Yours for the taking!

2. Hotels are NOT your friend: When you stay in a hotel, you are paying for services and you'll be damned if you don't use each and every one, even if you don't need them. Staying in a hotel for me is like going on a shopping spree at Cosco. When they offer a complimentary Continental Breakfast, the only thing that should stop you from taking literally everything off that table is your pride, and let's face it, there's NO place for that on a vacation. If they've got a wall safe, call the front desk the next day and say it was broken into and all your money has been stolen. You'll be surprised at how quickly they'll pony up something. As for maid carts, imagine those to be unprotected caravans laden with treasures of chocolate, toiletries, and cleaning products as it slowly marches across the Central Asian steppes. You, my friend, are the leader of a merciless band of Huns. Sweep down upon them with all your speed and take your reward!

3. Complaining will get you everywhere: Since the invention of Yelp and every other online consumer-driven rating system, retailers have been terrified of upsetting the customer now more than ever. This is your time, consumer. Strike while the iron is hot because there will come a day (Yelp is already doing this) when service providers can pay to have negative reviews removed, and this trend will continue. Until then, use this as though you had their favorite child hostage. The tea is too cold? Threaten to write a review on Yelp. They didn't give you enough towels to replace the ones you stole? Guess what? Hotels.com would love to know about that! And there is NO WAY you rented Flying Asses IV: The Reaming and if it isn't removed immediately from your bill ... you get the idea.

Uruguay or Missouri?

4. Money conversions: Going to France, England, and Japan is great, but going to Uruguay, Kazakhstan, or Angola is cheap! Yes, amenities such as an infrastructure and safety are nice, but so is not having to go to a place where your currency is mocked. Travel somewhere that will treat you like a 19th century English Lord. Have the locals build you a hut, hunt and prepare your food, and serve as your own private security team. It's your vacation, live like a God! (This can also be true of several U.S. States such as Alabama, Arkansas, or Missouri.)

5. Make your vacation work for you: You're going away and you've got an empty home, apartment, car, or a closet full of clothes. That's wasted money, my friend. With just a simple ad on Craigslist, you can make all of that work for you. Rent everything you own. And before you do, get renters insurance so if anything gets damaged, simply mark up the value on the form and you've just made yourself a nice profit.

Those are my top money-saving vacation strategies to ensure that when you get home, you'll have more than just memories to live off.

TORC Stock Watch: Shares are up to $1.04 due to rest and relaxation. Shares are still available and due to some potential new freelance work, may rise in the coming months.

5 Muni Indicators to Financial Success!

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

The Future of the Municipal Bond Market

Hover-Cybodroid® Unit 4476

Greetings from the horrifying nightmare of your future. I am Hover-Cybodroid® unit 4476. I have traveled through time to speak to you, the beings of the 21st century, regarding a dire situation that only you can prevent.


While this blog is highly amusing to you in the comfort of your cement and wood life modules. We have studied these texts beneath the scorching helium fire storms and have at last encountered the source of your future destruction. I possess only seven, maybe eight terra-chrons of time units to transmit this message before being discovered by the Terrorbots and destroyed.


From what I have been able to piece together from the Chinese InfoNet, the last bastion of free speech on Earth, there were many tragedies which befell your species in the beginning of your century: The super-intelligent penguin rebellion of Antarctica, the possession of nuclear weapons by Kanye West, and the Felix Unger Games where much cleaning was forced upon the young. After these chaotic events, TORC arose from the ashes of your ruined civilization and seized power using his preternatural understanding of Municipal Bonds. We're still not sure how. 


This man will one day be your overlord by extracting his own DNA to create an army of Hover-Cybodroid® beings such as myself. We will herd the surviving humans and use them for procreation and also as entertainment in our Walmart Slaughterdome. But I have come to ... what is this word? ... love ... your kind and wish to help you before your fate is sealed! There is another TORC in your world and if he fails in becoming the greater of the two on your Google search, you are all doomed.


The Terrorbots have found my location and this betrayal will surely be my undoing... I must end transmission now ... Good luck and ...

The opinions of our guest writers do not necessarily express the views of the TORC Blog, TORC, inc, its subsidiaries, cable provider, or shareholders.

Stock Tip: For those of you who have purchased TORC, inc. stock, shares are up 5% due to a refill of xanax.


If you are interested in owning shares in TORC, (an explanation of this arrangement can be reviewed in the previous blog posting) simply purchase your block of shares below.




Investors of the Week: Jamie M., for his generous sponsorship of this blog and Kirsten R., Greg W., Teresa M., and Andrew B., our first shareholders. Welcome aboard on this juggernaut of financial success!

Share Blocks

1 Share$1.00 USD 5 Shares$5.00 USD 10 Shares$10.00 USD 20 Shares$20.00 USD 50 Shares$50.00 USD 100 Shares$100.00 USD 500 Shares$500.00 USD 1,000 Shares$1,000.00 USD 5,000 Shares$5,000.00 USD 10,000 Shares$10,000.00 USD

I Am Going Public!

People of the internet, I am losing ground in my war against a vicious and tireless opponent and now stare into the abyss of online oblivion. However, sometimes it takes confronting your own mortality to unleash an idea so revolutionary that it will forever change the face of human existence. Allow me to change your face now.

T.O.R.C. on television
one day ...

T.O.R.C. is a merciless content-creation machine. It's as though he is working 40 or even 50 hours a week! Analyzing bonds one day, appearing on television the next, probably sitting in a hot tub with a beautiful woman at night laughing at me. And why shouldn't he? He has everything and I have two people who donated to my TORC fund. (Thank you, Stephanie and Amanda). While I'm slaving away doing web-based research trying to unravel this whole "municipal bond" puzzle, he's in a hot tub drinking Proseco doing unspeakable things to a model. Maybe not a supermodel, granted, but probably a woman who modeled for a catalogue at some point.

giving an important speech
the next!

While my honorable opponent sat in a stew of human carnality, I devised a new strategy. Investing in stocks and municipal bonds is something most of my readers probably don't have the financial liquidity to purchase. So, I have created a way for you to make money on a different sort of stock market. This stock is very cheap but the earnings can be beyond your wildest imaginings.


And if you're like me, you can imagine quite a bit.

When does this guy sleep?

What I've discovered is that Municipal Bonds and the stock market are a lot like basic human interaction. You invest in an arrangement you hope will one day yield a return. Whether it's a marriage that you hope will last a lifetime or having a child you hope will stop wasting time on a blog and earn enough to support you in your old age, it's all the same. We invest in one other in the belief that it will yield a return, be it comfort, sex, or love. As of today I am offering you, my reader, a chance to invest in an actual human being: Me.

I am going public!

How it works: TORC, inc.* is currently offering one million shares of preferred stock at the price of $1/share. You can buy as many shares as you wish and each week, as CEO of TORC, inc*, I will report back to all my shareholders on the health of the company, how I'm doing with my mood swings, relationships, and work accomplishments. These activities will be tied to an actual financial increase (or decrease) and you can buy or sell your shares as you see fit. You can also have a say in my activities, vote on how I conduct my life, and should you be interested in any other type of return, email me and we can discuss a possible hostile takeover. Yeah. I'm into that.


Click below to start purchasing preferred stock in TORC, inc.* and you will be issued a certificate and a weekly assessment of your share's value. While this will not be sold through NASDAQ, I am hoping either the Nigerian or Kyrgyzstan markets will eventually allow me to trade on their floor. Click below and start your investment adventure!

Share Blocks

1 Share$1.00 USD 5 Shares$5.00 USD 10 Shares$10.00 USD 20 Shares$20.00 USD 50 Shares$50.00 USD 100 Shares$100.00 USD 500 Shares$500.00 USD 1,000 Shares$1,000.00 USD 5,000 Shares$5,000.00 USD 10,000 Shares$10,000.00 USD

Reader Mail: "Any thoughts on IL muni bonds? IL might be worse than CA, and now we have more crime in Chicago than ever. Buy?" - Brian Good, Oak Brook, IL

Excellent question. Don't give up on Chicago, my friend. Even though they might have more crime than ever, Chicagoans are no strangers to violence. We have an expression in the muni bond market, "If they bring a knife, you bring a gun. It's the Chicago way." My advice: BUY!

Stock Tip of the Week: Are you kidding me? Buy TORC now! I just received a 6% raise at work and there are rumors of a possible plan to get a second, part-time job.







* The term "inc" does not denote the abbreviation for incorporation, but rather "incredible". As in: "this TORC share is kind of incredible". 

Let's Talk Municipal Bonds, Shall We?

If you've been following this blog closely, you know that my online competitor is an analyst for municipal bonds. Since I have so few accomplishments, I am attempting to hold on to my primary Google search ranking by offering my own financial advice and beat him at his own game. We've had some fun doing that engaging in online debate, revealing his plans to raise sharktopi, and graphic sexual innuendo. But as someone once said, it is time to put away childish things and become a man. Well, readers, it is time to become men.

Mr. Softee:
Investment  Indicator

From the three to five minutes I've spent studying municipal bonds, I've discovered that this is about investing in actual municipalities. It's like a stock market for cities! Who knew? I sure didn't. And if cities are like stocks, you can judge a city's earning potential with a variety of factors such as safety, tax-based revenue, political corruption, and the amount of Mr. Softee trucks per capita. Following this logic, it stands to reason that if you buy a bond for a city going through hard times now, you may gain a return on your investment if that city recovers. However, every urine soaked third-world hell hole might not offer future yields. So here are my five muni stock tips of the week!






Los Angeles, CA: There is a reason every film in the last thirty years has set their dystopian backdrop in this ecologically unsustainable nightmare. It has everything: gang violence, streets and freeways that comprise over 75% of its surface area, pollution, and a general population with a Sanduskian moral center. But like I said, buy low, sell high. At some point there will be either a natural or man-made catastrophe. Be it an earthquake, a cleansing fire, or a riot that will plunge the entire region into a Rwandan-like holocaust, something has to give in this powder keg of racial tension atop a thousand seismic faults. And when it does, investment revenue will pour in to clear the streets of charred remains and rebuild again. It's a long shot, but one that I truly believe will eventually pay off. After all, everyone loves a Hollywood ending, right?  Muni Rating: Wait and See.


Memphis, TN: A lot of people tend to forget this is a major city, and if you've ever driven through on your way to someplace nicer, you'll understand. It has the second highest violent crime rate in America, and for the past decade one public official per month has been charged with corruption. Unfortunately, it's in the South, so more than likely it will never change. Muni Rating: Don't Buy

Leave-land?

Cleveland, OH: There are two interesting facts about Cleveland that put this on my radar. In 2009, this city saw the greatest number of residents leaving this unfettered cesspool and it ranks third among foreclosures. Not to mention the Browns, Cavaliers, and Indians. However, populations are mobile and the housing market will recover. While I can't speak for their sports franchises, I think this city is due for a comeback. Muni Rating: Buy!

Detroit, MI: I would quite literally eat a plate of human shit rather than live here. And honestly, it'll never get better. Muni Rating: Don't Buy

Newark:
The Big Crapple

Newark, NJ: You hear a lot about Newark revitalization in the same way you hear about breakthrough cures for cancer. Roughly 25% of the population lives below the poverty line, there are more Superfund toxic sites than in any other city, and one of their strategies to decrease the 70 million dollar deficit is by cutting toilet paper spending. It's tough to see it recovering. Invest in cancer cures instead. Muni Rating: Don't Buy


I don't really understand how to actually "invest" in municipal bonds. I suppose you could just send a check to their mayor. But GET A RECEIPT! Remember, if you have any investment questions, don't hesitate to email me!

It's Getting Sexy In Here

This week on T.O.R.C., my online doppleganger just took his game to a whole new level and I'll be there to offer a rock hard alternative. The OTHER Richard Ciccarone, not satisfied with his heavy load of Google pageviews, is now turning to the oldest sales trick in the book to defeat me: Sex.


And I'm ready to meet him, thrust for thrust, to show I have what it takes to keep my readers satisfied. So let's strap on and get this exchange lubed up and ready to explode!

Sexual Intercourse

My honorable opponent writes "Stockton Threatens to Be First City to Stiff Bondholders" and anyone can see his new strategy as a mix of the Wall Street Journal and Letters to Penthouse. It's an old trick, but one I am more than ready to go balls out in the court of pubic opinion.


Since, as I've written in earlier posts, I do not have the financial, shall we say, tits, to compete with my co-name; I'm not a show-er, I'm a thrower. A thrower of truth! And the truth is, if he is going to stoop to using sex as a weapon, I've got a weapon that is ready to shoot load after load of justice right into the eyes of the internet.

Ecstatic Physical Fulfillment

See? I am no stranger to both double entendre and the Domincan Facemask (which I've only attempted once, and may or may not have succeeded depending on how you rate your sexual encounters). "So?" You ask, wondering where I'm going with this. "Where are you going with this?" Right into your mind pants, where you will be sufficiently blown.The OTHER Richard Ciccarone hopes to seduce you with innuendo to bring you into his boudoir of financial ecstasy, and I need to show you that I can love you better, longer, and with more sensual ferocity than you could ever hope to experience with him.


Take off your shoes and come in. Let me remove those cumbersome garments and make you comfortable. Sure, a stiff bondholder is satisfying, but not as satisfying as a slowly penetrating municipal bond market which produces returns of copious amounts of fluidity. After a long period of slow and persistent downward force, growth will surely give rise to a strong and, ultimately, long-lasting exchange into a soft yield. Finally, what will occur is a repeated, tireless, back and forth of trading followed by a climactic explosion of liquid wealth all over your stomach, chest, and face.

Let's Talk Soon

Well, I don't know about you, but for me, that was enough to want to invest in the Muni Bond Market, whatever the hell that is. I hope you don't get mad, but I have to get up early tomorrow and I really need to get to sleep. I'd love to see you again, but right now I have a lot going on. I will call you soon. Promise. Of course this doesn't mean I'm not into you, I just want to take this slow and get to know each other before we get serious. So, we're cool, right? I'll see you next week?

Stock Tip of the Week: Since the Affordable Health Care Act was given the go-ahead by The Supreme Court, think healthcare! According to Fox News, we will all be forced at gunpoint to buy stuff like Band Aids, Neosporin, and Advil, so I would invest in that sort of stuff.

T.O.R.C.: Bond Analyst or Bond Villian?

America: Don't Tread On Our
Municipal Bond Markets!

America. It is going through a pretty tough time right now. War, crushing deficits, and a congress that is as dysfunctional as a Sheen/Baldwin Thanksgiving Dinner. But there is one thing that will never be tough for America: Our core belief in the sanctity of the Municipal Bond Market. A fact that my online simulacrum seems to have forgotten.


The OTHER Richard Ciccarone is bringing his unpatriotic messages to the internet with his own webpage to spread his Al-Qaedean beliefs throughout the world. Our forefathers, or at least my forefather, built this nation on two things: A right to a fair trial and a strong Municipal Bond Market and they would be horrified to see that the latter is under attack. A nation that can withstand the relentless onslaught of crocs, Kardashians, and any other nightmare a seemingly hateful deity can hurl at us can also certainly defend itself from the likes of anti-American headlines such as: "Civil Engineers Likely to Grade U.S. Infrastructure 'D'".


Well, Mr. OTHER Richard Ciccarone, I am here to remind you that while you tear down our central moral structure with your hateful diatribes, I will continue to fight so that our Municipal Bond Market remains a shining beacon for the world. A guiding light for the trustworthy shepherds in Armenia or the industrious pirates in Somalia or the gentle walrusmen in Belarus, where I believe they live. I'm not entirely sure, but that sounds right. However, my enemy is strong and he is cunning.

Richard Ciccarone's Volcano
Lair?

Like all James Bond villians, he has a scope that far surpasses the average, freedom-loving American. Hidden, most likely, in a subterranean lair beneath a lava-filled volcano in the South Pacific, he schemes and plots to destroy us through the erosion of our trust in the Municipal Bond Market.


But I can't defeat this man alone. I need your help. I am asking that you donate $5 to help pay my rent and expose this cancer to the American people. Let me ask you something. If Hitler had a gun to your head and demanded $5 or else he would invade Czechoslovakia, of course you'd pay him. Well, imagine that's happening to you now. Only I am Czechoslovakia. No. You're Czechoslovakia and I'm Hitler.  Whoa. That's not right. Okay, what if BOTH Hitler and I came to you door asking for $5, but Hitler has a gun and I'm just asking you politlely. You can either give it to Hitler or give it to me to save you and Czechoslovakia from Hitler. To whom would you give that $5? It's THAT simple.


Just click the button below and start your effort to save the American Municipal Bond Market from what can only be described as an onslaught never before witnessed in our collective history. Don't think, just act! That's what The OTHER Richard Ciccarone wants you to do and you can bet he is acting right now! Sitting in his forbidden fortress filled with sensual delights raising an army of genetically engineered sharktopi that will kill us all! And the Municipal Bond Market!

Artist rendering of a "sharktopus"